This week, it’s time for some tough love.
Yesterday, I had a long phone conversation with my mom (she doesn’t do texts or email or internet) and as I listened to her talking about the garden harvest and her various 82nd birthday celebrations and the homegrown thanksgiving feast she prepared, sending everyone home with leftover turkey, I felt more than homesick — I felt like a complete failure. My friends are paying off mortgages and retiring to a life of playing with grandchildren while I haven’t seen family or even left Hong Kong since Dad’s funeral in April 2018.
It’s been 20 years of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. There is no shortage of jobs out there for anyone willing to work now and earn later. And in the age of free, it is not uncommon to be offered exposure in lieu of dollars. I was once offered potatoes for advertising — but at least they were organic potatoes.
All this time, I have continued to hold a vision of building a private network where we will freely engage and collaborate and share and I will no longer be doing everything on my own while saying no to fun times out that have been out of my budget for years.
In the face of technical issues, the sustainability campaign has fallen short of keeping the landlord happy and my phone has just beeped with another top urgent reminder that I need to pay by Monday or move out. This has been my life for a few decades and I’m done with struggle.
There is some distance to cover before the business can serve me to match the way I serve the community. I am still finding my way out of the deal I made with the devil when I was seeking stability in the chaotic summer of love in 2019. It was my bottom and I worked full time for peanuts with big promises of big payouts later, but later never came.
I need to see the dentist and have given up on booking the hairdresser and I haven’t experienced one full sleep without at least one night sweat since 2012. My body is on fire from too many long hours between so many hot flashes reaching extreme levels of frustration battling with tech that should have been upgraded years ago. The books need to be audited back to 2010 but last week the bank reinstated my company account when I provided proof that I am not a multinational corporation with the potential or intention to launder money.
This big anniversary, I am not in a celebratory mood. So I am listening to my own heartbeat and taking time to acknowledge where I am at, survey my beautiful landscape and fully accept my current reality while moving through the shame of a lifetime filled with repeated failures. I am pulling back from doing more than is necessary to focus on what is essential.
The time has come to stop keeping on keeping on at my own expense. I am grateful for the kindness of strangers and the patience of friends, but before I break something, I will take a break from trying to do everything and get needed rest to fully recover so I can truly enjoy the next twenty years building community. There are a few options I’m currently exploring with new tech and new partners.
While I wrap up the past and assess the present, future plans will begin take shape. I will dramatically cut down on my investment of energy until there are sufficient resources to get proper help with design and technology and admin and sales to build out my dream natural network while continuing to maintain data privacy.
Until then, you can rely in the website for updates on the calendar and in the news. We will connect (for now) with the Facebook group and page, on Instagram and Twitter while supporting local volunteers with the Social Sponsorship Program and promoting business members.
This has been the longest relationship of my life and I will continue to be honest and open and I will create a sacred space to invite you into the most important conversations we will ever. We will leave the shallows to the masses and dive in deep to our inner world — the place where lasting change is born.
I have often opened up beyond what is comfortable in an attempt to be authentic and I have been advised on many occasions to keep my challenges to myself but I think that’s a big problem with our world at the moment. We’re all so busy trying to present a perfect image that none of us feels we can actually live up to.
It’s time to review and reflect and revisit my sense of self worth so I can confidently receive all I deserve and make it easy for anyone who would like to contribute by feeling worthy of receiving all that I need and learning how to ask for what I want. What my heart wants is to connect people in pursuit of balance and promote natural life in the fast lane.
I will no longer sacrifice my personal life due to insufficient funds. This means streamlining the newsletter and possibly reducing the frequency for a bit.
Our healing journey is a winding path and I feel confident about where it leads while not knowing where it will lead us to.
Can you relate to my big, fat failure?
Naturally,
Founder
HK heartbeat
Listen to your own heartbeat.
Serving Hong Kong since 2001 … naturally
“Success is the result of perfection, hard work, learning from failure, loyalty, and persistence.” Colin Powell
My birthday gift to me this month is a decision to make HK heartbeat sustainable. Running HK heartbeat is a labour of love. It is my passion and it takes effort and energy and resources. Contribute with paid monthly or annual membership or make a single contribution towards natural life in the fast lane. I am very resourceful and no amount is too small or too large … read more
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Photo credit: Kinzie
